Friday, May 31, 2013

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Commencement Speech 2013

I’m afraid that once again, I’m unable to accept any invitations to speak at various graduation ceremonies, primarily due to not having received any. However, in the event of sudden, last minute desperation that might induce someone to call upon me, I’ve prepared a few remarks suitable to the occasion.

The main reason I’m addressing you today is that I’ve discovered within myself an unerring knack for writing things nobody wants to read. This is actually very liberating. After all, if nobody’s reading, I can experiment with half-formed ideas and ill-conceived … uh, concepts. I can give voice to all those idiotic thoughts that, under normal circumstances, should never see the light of day. I think all writers should do this as a way to improve my standing.

Seriously, most writers play it extremely safe. Look at J. K. Rowling and the Harry Potter books. Duh!! Of course people are going to buy books about kids discovering they’re really wizards with magical powers and a world of intense good and evil to master. And come on. After the first book, she was basically coasting.

Couldn’t she have explored some of the deeper questions? Harry was kind of railroaded into a wizarding career. What if he really wanted to study dentistry or chiropractic?

I mean, I could have written those books. What’s so hard? It’s not like a completely new idea. King Arthur - Kid discovers he’s the king. Superman - Kid discovers he’s a superhero. Harry Potter - Kid discovers he’s a wizard. It’s an easy formula. I’m working on one about a kid who discovers he’s incredibly gifted at … well, I don’t want to give too much away. Lets just say it’ll make those other stories seem like fantasies.

Oh, and that whole graduation thing? Good luck with that.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Monday, May 20, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

Sweeps Week


Aging

I recently underwent a rather risky and painful procedure known, in layman’s terms, as a birthday.

If you're unfamiliar with this, it’s kind of like a combination of a triple bypass with simultaneous brain surgery. The brain surgery alleviates symptoms such as short-term memory, reasoning ability and intermittent periods of sound judgement. And the bypass? That’s from years of wanting fries with that. 

Side effects include having skin like a chicken, hair loss, vision loss, hearing loss, energy loss, memory loss and appetite loss. No, just wishful thinking on that last one.

This is strictly an outpatient procedure. You don’t even have to go to one of those hospitals with all the interns rutting in every elevator and storage closet. (Ok, maybe I watch Gray’s Anatomy too much. Another symptom.) You can undergo a birthday right in the comfort of your own home. This is lucky because having loved ones around really improves the outcomes, especially during recovery.

Unfortunately, the procedure was only partially successful. I’ll have to repeat it next year.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Limerick of the Day #110

With the scandal at the I.R.S.
And phone snoops on Associated Press
A beleaguered White House
Actively disavows
Any involvement in either mess.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Monday, May 6, 2013

Word of Mouth

I know there are at least a few of you out there who regularly read The Tech Curmudgeon, whether for the breathtakingly original humor or just out of sheer boredom. Either way, it’s important to know that you too can help to expand and improve this blog.

That’s right! You can make a difference! You can tell your friends about The Tech Curmudgeon (http://www.techcurmudgeon.com), and help increase our readership. And that will benefit you in several important ways.

What’s in it for you?

  1. Studies show that it’s a lot easier to create high-quality humor … humor that appeals to a discriminating audience and is over the heads of most people … when you’re not worried about where your next meal is coming from. With so many restaurants and take-out places in my town, this is a constant concern. But increasing the The Tech Curmudgeon’s readership can offset this. Once I become one of those years-in-the-making, overnight-sensation bloggers, dinner and banquet invitations will start rolling in, and I can quit worrying and concentrate on eating. Oh, and that high-quality humor thing.
  2. You can be part of the elite group, the avant garde who discovered The Tech Curmudgeon before it became massively popular. Of course, you’ll only be able to make that claim if it does become massively popular. So really, by popularizing this The Tech Curmudgeon, you’re adding to your own bragging rights. Plus, if you buy some of our unique and tasteful Tech Curmudgeon t-shirts and other schwag, I promise to change the design eventually1, so yours will become a rare, hard-to-find collectible, highly prized on eBay by people with too much free time.
  3. Remember that The Tech Curmudgeon fights a never-ending battle against truth, justice, and … I mean FOR truth, justice, etc. Or at least truth. So that’s pretty cool. By supporting this cause, you’re helping to ensure that more annoying commercials get lampooned, that poorly thought out technology products get ridiculed, and that each of us, no matter how humble, can speak truth to power supplies.
So remember: Tell everyone you know about The Tech Curmudgeon! It’s the smart thing to do!

Well, it’s not a bad thing.

1 Assuming I can remember my CafePress.com password.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013