Monday, December 5, 2016

SCIENCE: More Things Suck Than Not

Scientists at the joint NASA/NSA/NAS/SNA/ANS research project revealed that in November, we crossed a tipping point at which more things suck than not. Their findings, to be published this month in the JOURNAL OF VICISSITUDINAL OUTCOMES, reflect the convergence of several independent indicators, including voter turnout, consumer confidence, cultural climate, opioid use, plate tectonics, maximum absorbancy, recommended daily allowance, mortgage interest rates, average life expectancy and chocolate consumption. These factors, which are generally regarded as notoriously difficult to correlate, provide a disturbing picture of the general suckiness of things, the scientists said.

The scientists applied a variety of sophisticated information visualization algorithms derived from work done for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Using these techniques, the research team were able to produce computer graphics, many in 3D, showing sharply declining trends and downward spirals. The scatter plot, in particular, shows a widespread range of data samples with no compensating pattern or arrangement.

Scientists were unable to comment on whether this trend was likely to continue or to reverse itself, but expressed confidence that they would continue to mine the data as thoroughly as possible.