Monday, August 17, 2015

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I know many bloggers spend a lot of time apologizing and making excuses for not posting more frequently, but to be completely honest, I was abducted by aliens.

It was pretty much like you’d imagine. Bright lights outside. Toys moving by themselves. Cats meowing for no reason. (Well, ok, they do that anyway.)

Next thing I knew, I was inside some weird room that can only be described as nondescript. It seemed to extend endlessly in all directions, yet there was almost no furniture. And no dust bunnies.

The aliens had technology so far beyond ours it was almost incomprehensible. First, they all had iPhone 37s. That’s the one that fits in your pocket, but expands when you pull it out to the size of a Buick. (One of the old gas guzzling models!) And the maps worked!

They had those things like on “Star Trek” that you could just wave over someone and instantly diagnose and treat whatever medical conditions they had, and trim their nails.1

They had 3D holographic projectors that could instantly put you in the middle of lifelike scenes of singers, dancers, bachelors and iron chefs. The aliens had apparently been using such devices to observe earthly behavior for a while, as they kept asking us about grumpy cats.

And they had computers that could run for years and years without ever stopping, and without having to reboot to install software updates. They ran linux.

1Side effects may include dizziness, drowsiness, laziness, craziness, itchy eyes, runny nose, hair loss, weight gain, sudden, unexplained nihilism, sensitivity to cold, recurring appetite, partial differentiation, political non-alignment, skin irritation and death.2
2That last one is the biggie.