Saturday, March 25, 2017

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Revenant

Like many of you, I’ve been in shock … complete shock … over the 2016 election results. Seriously! Who could have imagined this outcome? That Arizona would vote to raise the minimum wage!

Some of the other results were pretty surprising too. But now it’s time to move on. We’ll just have to make a few minor adjustments. Specifically,

  1. Health insurance will now be awarded by lottery. The lucky winner will be entitled to full treatment for any and all health-related problems (up to a lifetime maximum of $482.37.)
  2. The Department of Defense will now be referred to as “The People.”
  3. Climate change will be given top priority in determining the President’s weekend travel plans.
  4. Former President Barack Obama will now be known as Double-O Forty-Four.
  5. The orders of magnitude 104 and 105 will be eliminated. Any number larger than 9,999 will be considered “a million.”
  6. Cell phones, music players and other mobile devices will be powered by coal.
  7. Only people wishing to enter the United States from countries containing the letter “R” will be permitted to eat shellfish.
  8. The Departments of Defense, Education, the EPA, State, Health and Human Services, Interior and Transportation will be combined into a single department, to be known as DEEPSHIT. This department will then be eliminated.
  9. There will be a wall around the red states, and Nordstrom’s will pay for it.
  10. The city of Washington, D.C. will be renamed Козырь.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Monday, March 13, 2017

We Interrupt This Blog ...

I’m not a particularly open person. Most of my social media use consists of posting what I hope are cynical, witty (some would say wise ass) remarks. And even for those, I often hide behind the pseudonym Tech Curmudgeon.

But I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I have this strange urge to come clean. Please disregard the following.

For nearly 4 years, I’ve been dealing with prostate cancer. After going through surgery, radiation therapy, and various hormone therapy drugs, I’m entering a new phase. The next treatments, sipuleucel-T, radium-223 and chemotherapy, will be less gentle but, I hope, more effective.

I’m not mentioning this to get sympathy. I’m not asking for any kind of help. I’m not even looking to promote the cause of cancer research and care (though it certainly wouldn’t be a bad thing to consider.)

I’m really just feeling … and this is going to sound corny as hell … that life is beautiful. I don’t mean in a treacly, Hallmark-card kind of way. I mean really fucking beautiful, in a dramatic way. It’s as if the very fragility of life itself, and the complete uncertainty we all must live with, are what make life meaningful. Maybe that’s existential … the meaninglessness of life is what gives it meaning.

Not everything, of course. Hatred and bigotry win no pageants. And illness is not high on my list right now.

But I’m frequently moved to tears, literally, by movies, shows and events that show people caring about each other, helping each other, behaving not just humanly, but humanely. Of course, some of that is the hormone therapy drugs, but not all of it.

Anyway, my apologies. I’ll try to go back to being cynical and, hopefully, witty now.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Situation

Let me see if I’ve got this straight ...

Thirty thousand people die each year from gun violence, but we can’t regulate guns, because the NRA believes absolutely anyone should be able to buy a gun at any time.

Forty thousand people die on roads and highways each year, but we have to be able to check our email and text messages at all times.

Climate change is destroying our planet, melting the polar ice caps, glaciers, etc., but we can’t limit CO2 emissions because fossil fuel industries might suffer, and we want to drive bigger SUVs.

Immigrants bring fresh perspectives, leading to new ideas as well as cultural expansiveness, but we can’t admit immigrants because a few completely unrelated people committed violent acts.

Thousands of people suffer and die each year from treatable conditions because of inadequate access to health care, but we can’t provide for them because millionaires and billionaires might have to kick in a few bucks in taxes.

The President of the United States is mentally unbalanced, but the only people who can do anything about it, his political party, won’t do anything because it would be embarrassing.

That about right?

Friday, March 3, 2017

This is FNN!


Good evening, and welcome to FNN. Our top story tonight ...

After sifting through reams of data collected over several decades, scientists at several government agencies have concluded that the natural environment may be hazardous. The scientists cite evidence that millions of people died before the period when humankind spent most of its time indoors. They stress that the current emphasis placed on preserving wildlife and the natural environment may be misguided.