Friday, May 17, 2013


I recently underwent a rather risky and painful procedure known, in layman’s terms, as a birthday.

If you're unfamiliar with this, it’s kind of like a combination of a triple bypass with simultaneous brain surgery. The brain surgery alleviates symptoms such as short-term memory, reasoning ability and intermittent periods of sound judgement. And the bypass? That’s from years of wanting fries with that. 

Side effects include having skin like a chicken, hair loss, vision loss, hearing loss, energy loss, memory loss and appetite loss. No, just wishful thinking on that last one.

This is strictly an outpatient procedure. You don’t even have to go to one of those hospitals with all the interns rutting in every elevator and storage closet. (Ok, maybe I watch Gray’s Anatomy too much. Another symptom.) You can undergo a birthday right in the comfort of your own home. This is lucky because having loved ones around really improves the outcomes, especially during recovery.

Unfortunately, the procedure was only partially successful. I’ll have to repeat it next year.

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