Friday, December 28, 2012

The Zombie Apocalypse Now

A lot of popular folklore (and some that's not so popular) centers around the zombie apocalypse. The idea is that zombies ... living dead people ... attack and destroy civilization as we know it. I'm fairly certain that civilization, at least as I know it, has already gone to hell in a handbasket. Nevertheless, I think it's important that we all learn to recognize the warning signs of a zombie apocalypse, so we can take immediate action.

First of all, how do we recognize zombies? The important characteristics are:

1) They are dead, but continue to move around and screw things up.

2) They feed on the brains of their victims.

3) They refuse to raise taxes, even on the top 1% of earners.

If, hypothetically of course, a group lost in a national election, but continued to try to blackmail the country into submission, that would suggest zombitude.

Also, again hypothetically, if a group tried to deny basic scientific findings like, oh, for example, climate change or evolution, that would be an attack on victims' brains. If they also tried to cut education funding, or to interfere with the teaching of science, that's a zombie-esque indicator. A clincher would be if that group, for example, tried to dictate who can or can't marry, or whether women can make their own reproductive choices.

And I don't have to tell you about taxes.

The signs of the apocalypse are equally clear:

1) The disruption of normal operations, even in the face of critical deadlines.

2) The confusion resulting from the disappearance of responsible news sources.

3) The Kardashians.

Of course we know the zombie apocalypse is just a fictional idea that could never actually happen. But it can't hurt to be prepared. Remember: See something, say something!

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