Most Americans are aware of the nation's Strategic Petroleum Reserves. Over 700 million barrels of oil, enough to power the U.S. for about 15 minutes, are stored in underground caverns along the Gulf of Mexico. In case of emergency, these reserves can be used to allow the President to continue flying around in Air Force One. They can also be used to fuel military equipment, in the event of an attack against Louisiana.
What many people don't realize is that there's also a Strategic Food Reserve. These stockpiles, hidden in Northern Alaska, can be quickly deployed to preserve our precious American obesity in times of threat. At a signal from the White House, the strategic food reserve folks can quickly distribute billions of quarter pounders (with cheese), five-layer burritos and ball park hot dogs. And yes, you can get fries with that! There will also be millions of gallons of Big Gulp drinks and coffee. Black Hawk helicopters will drop potato chips, pretzels and popcorn into blighted areas, and our nation's interstate highway system will be commandeered for chuck wagon use.
The idea of a Strategic Food Reserve seems simple enough. Most people outside California find food more vital than oil. However, many issues had to be addressed in planning an operation of this size. Consideration was given to kosher and vegetarian diets. This was resolved by setting aside whole vegan tundras under strict rabbinical supervision. Because of the limited storage facilities, major congressional squabbles broke out over questions of whole milk vs. skim, original vs. extra crispy chicken, and Sweet'N Low vs. Equal.
Of course, global warming now threatens the entire Strategic Food Reserve. Over time, the country will be switching to canned and freeze-dried foods. To avoid wasting the existing supply, it will be gradually distributed to the population over the course of a few Superbowl Sundays.