Friday, February 11, 2011

Workplace Diversity

In an effort to maintain workplace diversity in the home office, I currently employ two cats, Cindy and Buttons.  Cindy, the bossier one, is the floor manager.  She's responsible for examining and, if appropriate (or not), eating anything that falls on the floor.  Cindy also spearheaded the office recycling program, developing a groundbreaking technique for converting paper and plastic into vomit.

Buttons, ever the inquisitive one, heads the research department.  She's the first to look into any open cabinets, boxes, paper bags or toilets.  Buttons also takes care of intra-office communications, making sure that news and snail mail are regularly delivered and digested.  She then alerts me to any immediate needs by banging some part of her anatomy repeatedly against my office door.

Both cats help out with facilities management, making sure that break rooms (the entire house outside my office) are suitably stocked with refreshments and diversions.  This is only fair, since union regulations mandate they get two breaks each day: from 8:30 until noon, and from 12:10 until 5:00.

When not on break, both cats also handle building security.  They are ever alert to any signs of a security breach.  At the slightest provocation, they immediately assume lock-down positions behind the file cabinet and in the back of the upstairs closet, respectively.

Together, they keep the office running smoothly, so that I'm able to work without distractions except for feeding, watering, cleaning the executive litter-boxes, throwing the catnip mouse, crawling under the furniture to retrieve the catnip mouse, picking up the mail, showing Buttons where her dish is, showing Cindy where her dish is, showing Buttons where her dish is again, and so on.

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