Cold Reception

I mark the beginning of cold season in my traditional manner. I've got the sore throat, runny nose, cough, stiffness and headaches. But I've also got about an octave and a half at the low end of my vocal range.

This is an opportunity not to be missed. I immediately launch into song:

''You'll never find
 As long as you live ... ''

My wife wants to know why a common cold always turns me into Lou Rawls. I can't explain it to her. She's a soprano, not a basso profundo. It's just something a man's got to do.

''You'll never find
 As long as you live
 Someone who loves you ...''

At this point, I break off into a fit of uncontrollable coughing. The mood is broken. My wife groans.

I could switch to "Luke, I am your father," but even that starts to get old after a few dozen repetitions. Darth doesn't really have any good long speeches. "This is CNN" isn't much better.

Othello's good, but a bit too obscure for today's audiences. "It is the cause. It is the cause, my soul. Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars. It is the cause." My son rolls his eyes.

I want to know how I can get my voice to sound like this all the time. There must be some way, since clearly the apparatus can produce this sound.

They should make a karaoke album for guys with colds. All the great basso hits: "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine", "Old Man River", that "Don't talk back" line from "Yackity-Yack" ... there must be dozens.

My wife and son now groan in unison. We're a very musical family.