Friday, January 30, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Optional Requirements

Everyone says Obama's presidency proves that anyone with brains and ambition can become President of the United States. I say Bush's presidency already proved those were optional.

HVT1

And so, throughout our fair land, humorists tearfully bid farewell to George W. Bush, also known as High Value Target 1.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Greatest Agent in Hollywood

I don't know if there's anything like a Greatest Agent in Hollywood award, but if there is, it should certainly go to whoever represents Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Among other film and TV credits going back to 1991, Morgan plays the character Denny Duquette on Gray's Anatomy. If you've never watched the show, you should have started a couple of sharks ago. But the Duquette character is interesting.

Since this is officially a hospital show (though I'd never want to be treated there for so much as a hangnail), there are a slew of one shot characters who appear for one episode, and then either walk away smiling or are carried out in a bag. These are plum roles for famous, formerly famous and would-have-liked-to-have-been-famous actors. They get to show off their dental work on the little big screen, without the commitment or dreaded career death of regular roles.

So here's Denny Duquette, awaiting a new heart for a transplant, and not quite making it. Pretty typical. The show burns through a dozen or two such characters each season. But Denny had to good fortune to become engaged to one of the hot young interns who seem to run things at Seattle Grace Hospital.

Now, despite the fact that his character died, Morgan has extended his role into its second season, and he's still having a torrid affair with this hot former-intern-now-resident! Being dead has not slowed him down in the least. Evidently metabolic dysfunction is not as debilitating as previously believed.

Like I said ... Greatest Agent in Hollywood!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Not to dwell on Bush, but ...

George W. Bush has done for Democrats what Microsoft Windows Vista did for Apple!

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Bush Legacy

In his farewell address, George W. Bush highlighted what he evidently considers his greatest accomplishment ... the fact that this country has not experienced a terrorist attack on its own soil for seven years. Clearly Bush is selling himself short. There are many other accomplishments for which he should take credit.

For example, no noteworthy Americans have turned into giraffes. That's big!

Equally impressive is the fact that no American homes have been picked up and blown to Oz. Well, not literally. Not lately, anyway.

And let's not forget that no interns were screwed. Well, not White House interns anyway. That we know of.

No embryonic stem cells were harmed in the frivolous pursuit of life-saving and disability-curing medical treatments.

A number of banks and financial institutions haven't failed. And no oil companies have failed.

The seas have not boiled over, and the earth has not opened up and swallowed us.

Yet.

Top that, Obama!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I Can't Believe No One Has Suggested This

Maybe George W. Bush should take over Apple now. It's perfect. Apple has been a great innovator of products that let people isolate themselves from reality, and who knows more about that than GWB? Apple's reputation for design and showmanship is matched only by Bush's handlers. Apple's engineers could replace breadboarding with waterboarding, or some other multitouch interrogation technique.

Steve Ballmer would probably love it, but hey, GWB could always have Dick "Deadeye" Cheney shoot him in the face.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Professional Courtesy

Have you noticed that people in the computer profession rarely use the word "computer?" We call them machines or, disparagingly, boxes. Macintosh computers, of course, are simply called Macs. "What did you get, a Windows machine or a Linux box?" "I got a Mac."

Is it like that in other professions? Do practitioners use euphemisms or synecdoche for the primary objects or clients with which they deal everyday? Do dentists secretly tell their receptionists to "bring on the next mouth?" Do morticians work on davs (cadavers)?

Is this a way of showing mastery of the profession, by denigrating the elements of the work? Ranchers referring to cattle as doggies seems to suit that purpose. Likewise the sailor referring to a vessel as a tub. Would astronauts say "Strap me onto that firecracker?" In this usage, the owner of the Linux box exhibits greater mastery than the owner of the Windows machine.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Since the Great Depression

Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing the phrase "... since the Great Depression," in reference to our current economic woes?

Contrary to the cliche, history emphatically does not repeat itself. Yes, obviously certain current events resemble past ones, and learning from the past can help us deal with present problems, as Santayana suggested.

But this is not going to be a repeat of the Great Depression. It may be just as bad, or worse, but it will not be the same.

Though a comeback of the Fedora wouldn't be too bad.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Name Blame Game

Well, it's official. American consumers should no longer be called "consumers." Quite simply, Americans are not consuming.

Let me amend that. We still choke down plenty of Big Macs and Starbucks, but when push comes to shove, we're not buying stuff.

Let me amend that. We're still pushing and shoving. We're just not buying enough stuff.

So from now on, I think we should just be addressed as "occupant."

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Hand Outs

Didn't Obama just get elected? Isn't he about to become President of the United States, with a base salary plus benefits that comes to several times what I earn? Isn't he guaranteed a lifetime pension in the six figures?

Why is he still asking me for money?